One of my challenges is balancing my personal time, including doing my studying, music, art and spiritual practice with seeing friends and going out. It's difficult because I know that solitary time is essential, and being around others too much unhealthy, yet I get lonely easily when I'm by myself. There are a lot of great people in my life right now, and it's hard not to spend time with them.
There is a balance that can be achieved, but it takes planning and doing work and sleeping earlier and waking up earlier.
I don't know if I have it in me but I'll try!
Wow, I can't believe it. This is the first post I've written in a long time! I doubt anyone still looks at this blog anymore anyway. Might give me some freedom to be a bit less self conscious.

Secret Chiefs 3 doing Renunciation (by RD Burman) on Australian TV. This made my day...

Kid Koala

From morning until night and from night until morning
keep your heart free from malice towards anyone.

-Prophet Muhammad (saw)

Even when it's most difficult, honesty is:

Without doubt or fear
Being true to oneself
And speaking one's truth

Naming that which is present
That which existed
Even before being named

In my experience, I have struggled with being comfortable enough with myself to speak my truths to others, whatever those might be. Often it's uncomfortable, and quite terrifying to say the least.
Being honest to ourselves and others can disrupt what is comfortable, and "accepted".
The alternative is denying wholeness, denying that which is there, but beneath the surface.
Even if that which resonates within my own being, affects those I care about negatively, I believe there is value in struggling through those areas. Sometimes these are the places where deeper connections can grow.
This world we live in is never clear cut, instead we are given choices, trying to create unity out of dischord, but of course falling short.
I don't want to deny the fact that selfishness can play a part in speaking our truths without reserve. There is always the danger of our ego (nafs ammarah) trying to assert themselves above all others.
I hope that in speaking what's within my heart, those words, their reaction, their outcome must all be trusted to God and done for the sake of God.

Danielson: Did I Step on Your Trumpet

(inshallah) I'll be seeing Why? tonight at an Anticon art/music show in San Francisco. I'm very very excited!!

Reflections on the film Jesus Camp:

Jesus Camp is a film that could have come from any religious tradition.
That being said, it's an insightful, beautiful, terrifying and surprising look into a very right wing, politically minded evangelical community.
I tried to go in with an open mind, but at times when a life size George Bush cutout is brought on stage and "prayed for", children are being made to pledge to stop abortion and military costumes are worn I couldn't help but feel frightened about the power of this militant evangelical movement.
Equally surprising is that I was actually touched by some of the devotion, when many others in the audience seemed to laugh condiscendingly. These people are very sincere and focused in their devotion, which is quite beautiful.
The problem is that they are then manipulated in their moments of openness. These, predominantly young groups are being made emtionally vulnerable and then forced into a rigid, fundamnetalist belief system. Some of this definitely constitutes psychological abuse.
Some scenes were so strange, that I could barely believe they were happening. In one such instance, a family says the national anthem by starting with, "I pledge of a legence to the Christian flag..."
In another, the lead minster tells them that if Harry Potter was in the Bible, God would have him killed.
One Christian "Hip Hop" song about being down with JC also must be heard to be believed.
The core of the film is about the political side of evangelical christianity. Obviously, having exclusivist, fundamentalist beliefs are allowed when there is freedom of religion.
The people in the film suggest a myth of an American that was once pure, where prayer was taught in schools, and how "church and state" are mean to be intertwined. This myth of an American "purity", cannot help but be challening to those of us who are not evangelical christians.
One person puts it quite bluntly that there are two types of people in the world, those that accept Jesus Christ and those who don't. Though Muslims, Sikhs, Buddhists, Hindus, Jews and others might have similar ideologies in their fundamentalist forms, the size and political power of right wing evangelical christians in the US make Jesus Camp an important, essential film.

I don't like "chatting online" the older I get. I don't see the value in talking on an instant messaging program or even email most of the time. In a way its dehumanizing, reducing us down to a small set of text. Voice, body language, and above all just having another person close-by discloses layers upon layers of meaning that simple text cannot.
In fact, I go as far as to say, loneliness and alienation are actually made more pronounced through these things. It's the illusion of "talking" to someone without really talking.

This Ramadan has TRULY been a time of discovery, and that is not in the comfortable new-age self congratulatory sense.
I feel like I've really seen the best and worst aspects of myself bubbling to the surface.
I always expect it to be this peaceful month of talking less, eating less, and sitting and meditating in the corner like a monk. Almost being a partial ghost, being covered from the goings on in the world.
No such luck.
The ups and downs of life are still here, in fact they're coming much more than before.
I'm not saying there hasn't been a spiritual quality, there has been, but I've realized that just because this is "a blessed month", does not mean that our depths are not exposed.
That can really be scary.
It makes it hard because I always really do feel more sensitive and open hearted during this time. That can make the normal trials really strike a deep chord, like hearing a giant bell above your head. It's profoundly startling.
Of course my plans don't matter. I could wish for this to be a serene month, like some sufi retreat or something, but that's probably not what I need anyway.
I need this terrifying exposure to my own nafs. Seeing my own immaturity, frusteration, loneliness and also my depth, compassion, love and generosity. It's all very clear during this month. Perhaps that's part of what makes it a blessing. It's a mirror held up, where without the distractions of food and mindless thoughts, at least part of who we REALLY are is exposed. I'm not who I wish I was, who I want to be, or how I imagine others must see me. I'm complex, neither horrible or wonderful, just a flawed human being.
Witnessing that is not comfortable, but has a sort of sweetness beneath the surface, like that chinese dessert with soy surrounded by delicate syrup.
I'm really struggling with this...The chickpea IS AFRAID to be cooked!